Unmasking Shame: The Silent Saboteur of Self-Esteem

By Nisarga Eryk Dobosz · 14 September 2026

Let’s put it simply: shame is that cringe-worthy, icky feeling we get when we’ve done something we’re not proud of. It makes us want to hide under a rock because it is just so uncomfortable. And it brings along its friends: fear, anger and sadness. Shame is like a big disconnect button. It freezes us and makes us want to vanish into thin air, like being trapped in a tiny, invisible box.

Shame is like a nagging voice inside, constantly whispering, “You’re not good enough” or “There’s something wrong with you.” It is a heavy burden that chips away at our self-esteem, our sense of worth and our confidence, until we end up feeling lousy about ourselves, our actions and just about everything in our lives.

3 shaky foundations of self-esteem

Shame often leads us to build an unhealthy self-esteem on three main patterns:

1. Attribute-based. We measure our worth by external factors like money, status, education, beauty or the quality of our relationships.
2. Performance-based. Our self-worth becomes tied to how well we perform at work, in sports or through sheer productivity. This can lead to workaholism and pushing ourselves to extremes just to feel worthy.
3. Others-based. We seek validation from others to feel good about ourselves, whether through likes on social media or acknowledgement from friends and family.

These are shaky foundations that can crumble under the weight of shame. But recognising them is the first step towards breaking free from shame spirals and rebuilding our self-worth on healthier, more stable ground.

Bring out your inner adult

To kick shame to the curb, we need to bring out our inner adult. In a simple model inspired by Internal Family Systems and inner child work, we can picture three parts: the wounded child, the adaptive child and the functional adult. When shame takes over, it is usually the adaptive child calling the shots. This part of us might deny, attack ourselves or others, withdraw, or even turn self-destructive. But we have the power to break free.

Stepping into the shoes of the functional adult means seeing things as they really are, feeling our feelings without being swept away, and practising mindfulness. Meditation and grounding exercises help us get there. When we can watch our shame without getting sucked into it, we are free to shake off those toxic feelings and stand tall with dignity. From this place of clarity we can choose new ways to meet life’s curveballs, and gradually teach the nervous system intimacy, safety and joy. Shame also lives in the body, often as a collapsed chest, a lowered gaze or a hot face, which is why body-based work like our BBTRS® training can be such a helpful support.

Make friends with your inner critic

There is another character lurking in the shadows: the inner critic. This little troublemaker pops up to tell us we’re not good enough, too much, or just plain wrong. It’s like having a cranky roommate we can’t get rid of. But instead of fighting it, we can make friends with it.

Approaching the inner critic with compassion and understanding changes the game. Suddenly those harsh voices become a source of insight and guidance. Instead of beating ourselves up, we can have honest conversations and find playful ways to move forward. When my inner critic started ragging on me for gaining a few pounds, I decided to listen instead of shutting it out. Together we came up with a plan to eat healthier and exercise more, and now we’re a bit of a dynamic duo.

You are the adult here

So the next time shame or your inner critic come knocking, remember: you’re the adult here. Embrace them, listen to what they have to say, and then gently guide them towards a kinder path. Who knows, you might end up making some surprising discoveries about yourself along the way.

Nisarga Eryk Dobosz is a bodyworker and trainer (BBTRS®, MER®, BCST, Lomi Lomi) and founder of the Body Awareness Institute. This article is for education and self-care. It is not medical advice and does not replace care from a doctor or therapist. It was first published on nisarga8.com.